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Encompassing and enfolding, an intriguing feeling of possessiveness absorbs her mind like sponge work. She feeds off her own internal poison, deadly and vile. Her blazing eyes glow like October moons, yet her body is hollow like an empty corpse. Everybody grips a glimpse of fear from her, despite her composed and striking exterior. She is a two dimensional human being; capable of working miraculous schemas but can instantly revert into a dismal state of dormancy. She believes herself unlike the others, and generates intense uniqueness and whimsical quirks. She’s been defeated before, sevenfold. She’s been deflated, stomped, regurgitated, robbed. She’s been gutter status, completely submerged in her own insanity.
Insane enough to be assumed sane; that is her illness. Hair taloned, dressed for perfection, striving for a feeling of ultimacy in her world. Her plans are never finished, and her split personality deviates between the thin wall differentiating reality and fantasy. Her mind is swamped, with lingering bitterness, resentment, obsessions. Borderline. Always borderline between what she can’t have and what she wants and refuses to strive for. A purgatorial state. A solitary state. Irritable yet manageable, pretentious yet belabored. Definition of oxymoron.
She spends hours creating a self fantastical image of herself, yet in reality, she is nothing of the sort. Agoraphobic? Perhaps, but perfectly content in her mindful illusions. Her heart is not attached to her soul, her mind not attached to her body. Her body is a floating entity, her organs mechanically and methodically working to keep her alive. She’s unacceptably frantic. She’s scared. She dwells and harbors, continually digests and barely responds to the world ongoing and constantly twirling around her. Something lurking about this world sends her into a state of unresponsive fear. She doesn’t want to be inside the world, she’s content watching on the exterior.
Everything is her predicament. No, nothing is premeditated, yet everything is a pressing issue of urgency. She uses people weaker then her to strategically erase her self-created messes. She is incapable of independence, and recognizing her own downfall forces her to admit her gripping egocentrism; yet ironically eats her alive. She’s unsatisfied with mediocracy, and resorts to tantrums to cover her bruises.
She is ashamed and subjected to a lifetime of eternal sadness. Years of prayers later, still unforgivable and intricately a self-made disaster. She knows how use facades to prover her innocence, yet she knows she is as guilty as Judas.

upset

 


I've always been twinned to the world. I always feel like I take on the burden of the entire globe, because no one else seems to care. i get frusterated when people wrap themselves up and suffocate themselves in their own lives and become blinded. I always seem to be affected by sadness of others more than my own sadness. I know it's not up to to me to fix everything and I don't need to feel like the world is depending on me, but I would feel so much better if I was living, in the years this disgusting world has left, giving those whove lost everything one more chance. I'm not living for ME. I don't want to live for ME. Think about it.I'm so insignificant to this world If i'm living for my OWN happiness. I don't want to be a "show", running around trying to get everyone to see all the "good" im doing, becuase i feel so dirt insignificant to even be considered "good". 

i went to san francisco a few weeks ago for about five days. everytime i passed a homeless person i felt like the worst person to ever be born to not stop and give some money i already have more than enough of.

even the girl i went with was appalled that i would even think of giving money to those "bums". What? really?

how could i even think of not?

We walked everywhere. EVERYWHERE. we must of topped 20 miles of walking. I passed more helpless people stooped on the ground then i have in my life. I passed mom's and their kid's, waiting for someone to stop WALKING and help them. I passed teens, my age. I passed the homeless man. What is wrong with me? It was raining one day, really hard, so used the opportunity to release the tears i was holding back for these people. Tears blend in with rain like camoflauge. 

I'll never understand why people are so territorial of their dollar. I hate it so much. I hate how it rules. I hate how it controls. I hate how it is the cause of PEOPLE using sidewalks as beds.

What will it take to get people to give once in a while? Give something? It doesn't have to be money. Spread your happiness on, be encouraging and thoughtful, don't put yourself first for once. I know i'm going to try to live like a giver rather than a taker. 

im considering it my new project, you know, before i take on Africa.



 
 
 wellllll i suck at this whole journal thing

it was good while it lasted right?
 im revoking my last post. blatant answers are being shoved in my face. Thanks God. hey ask and you shall recieve, right?

Dec. 15th, 2008

 okay God, do you not want me to go to college or something? whats the deal here. I'd appreciate an answer sometime soon. this is nerveracking. too many rejection letters.

Dec. 14th, 2008

deadlines:
-Monday: Presentation on Crash and modern day racism: B block
-Tuesday: Spanish Quiz
-Thursday: Spanish Puerto Rico Test
-Thursday: World Affairs essay due on Monique and the Mango Rains
-Friday: VACATION!!!!!!!!! thank the lord!

contemporary history test sometime im presuming.....

December 31st:
Anne Ford Scholarship essay due by midnight





i cannot wait until i get out of this really bizarre time in my life

i feel like im being fastwarded in slow motion. if that makes sense

its weird though i dont really know how to react.

im not dancing, thats just weird

i've finally realized since i no longer dance i can take up other things i actually like, i.e. trapeze & gymnastics ... which has been God-given amazing....

i have no idea where im going to be next year....even more weird and scary...i dont like not knowing....

i have no idea what im going to do with my life, and how im going to do *it* whatever *it* is since i want to do minimual schooling possible


okay heres what i want to accomplish in my life:
1.) i want to go to Africa. people you think im kidding when i say this but im completley seriouse. i want to go there and investiagte and get the real deal and see the animals and be immersed in the culture and write about it

2.)i want to be a missionary of some sort. i LOVE my God. i LOVE jesus. I love all things God. i'm in awe with his multitude and power and majestic omnipresence and his ability to heal and deliver. and i want everyone else in the world to know about him.

3.) i want to help people. real people with real issues. people who have gone through and experienced awful thing and have no where else to turn. i dont want to change people, i want God to use me to help suffering people, when theres no one left to help them...

4.) i want to influence SOMEONE, it doesnt have to be millions of people...just ONE person is all i need...through God's spirit...i want to influence one person's life for the better....i want to make an impact in someone's life who was hurting or who is hurting, who is lonely and sad....i want to enter someone's life and just help God help them fix it....

5.) i dont want to die being unremembered....maybe becuase i keep having dreams that i die suddenly....i dont want to be unremebered. i dont want to be remembered for the glory, no, i want to be remembered in a God way....because he is the one who should be glorfied...through Him i can try to be an inkling of a good person....



its in God's hands though....i guess ill be okay whatever happens